The blur of the holidays has just passed, and hopefully we are all getting a breather and getting back into steady routines. Whether your family’s holidays were jolly or grinchy, they are usually at least somewhat stressful for those running the show. So this blog today, I am dedicating to the parents, grandparents, older siblings, extended family, and other caregivers in honor of all you put into keeping your families safe, happy, and healthy. We’re going to pause for a moment to figure out ways you can take care of yourself in addition to others, and also be kind to yourself even when things are hard, overwhelming, or imperfect.
Influence of Children’s Mental Health on Caregiver Well-Being
Having and caring for children is an important milestone for many individuals, bringing fulfillment and a sense of purpose. However, as any parent knows, having children also turns one’s life upside-down and can bring considerable stress. Recent studies show that having children can result in decreases in happiness, quality of life, marital satisfaction, financial stability, and healthy sleep (though these outcomes can depend on a variety of factors, including parental age, gender, social support, and societal support). Furthermore, for those whose children experience mental health concerns, these effects can be compounded and bi-directional. In other words, if children have psychological distress, parents can also develop distress, and vice versa.
Alternatively, focusing on your own mental health can, in turn, create positive feedback into the family system. You may be able to be more emotionally available to your children and partner, and more readily able to model positive coping in the face of stress. While that motivation is noble, it is also okay to do some things strictly for yourself. Recent research suggests that developing a sense of self-compassion can be one way to counteract some of the strains and self-doubts of caregiving.
Self-Compassion
According to Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion is “giving yourself the same compassion you’d naturally show a friend when you’re struggling or feeling badly about yourself. It means being supportive when you’re facing a life challenge, feel inadequate, or make a mistake.” Parenting is hard work, and there is no manual. There will be days you are exhausted, confused, afraid, at a loss, or feel like you have messed up. Normally, in these situations, we often criticize ourselves for not doing more, knowing better, or being enough. But we would get angry if someone else called us out in all these ways, right? We wouldn’t tolerate that kind of bullying behavior or speech from someone else, so why would we from ourselves? How can we temper it? Self-compassion may be the answer.
There are lots of ways to grow your self-compassion:
- Notice – First, it’s important to pay attention to your own self-talk. We all have a million thoughts running through our head every day to the point we don’t even notice. It’s automatic, just like breathing. So a first step is noticing when you’re going through a hard time and what kind of things you’re saying to yourself internally. If you start to recognize when and why you’re being self-critical, you can begin to course-correct.
- Reframe – Transform extreme thoughts into more balanced and realistic ones. When down, you might say to yourself, “I’m a failure as a parent because I can’t buy my child what they really want for the holidays.” However, this thought is just a thought, not a fact. Upon examining all of the evidence, you might instead say to yourself, “I take good care of my child every day, and I’m doing my best at giving them a memorable holiday on a budget.”
- Expect Mistakes – If there is one guarantee in parenting, it is that you will mess up. Many times. You may feel like you don’t spend enough time with your kids or you didn’t catch a health issue of theirs quick enough or you don’t know how to help them when they’re sad. Nevertheless, your job is not to be perfect. Your job is to show up, do your best, make the mistakes, and then trust yourself to troubleshoot them—hopefully with the support of both others and yourself.
- Care for Yourself – You take care of others all the time. You give them your attention, brainpower, time, and empathy in large doses each day. How much of that same care do you ever reserve for yourself? What would it be like to pause in your day to check in with yourself to see how you’re doing? If you’re feeling off or drained, can you ask yourself what you need (e.g., encouragement, a break, a treat, a hug, a nap)? If you’re having trouble taking it easy on yourself, consider what you would say or do for a friend who was going through the same thing. You deserve to benefit from your well-developed caretaking instincts just as much as the others around you.
- Seek Other Perspectives – We are our own worst critics, and self-compassion may not come easily or naturally to all. If you’re really struggling to develop more self-affirming inner dialogue or habits, consider asking for some social support to jump-start things. If you make a mistake you can’t seem to get past (e.g., “I yelled at my kid, and now I don’t blame them for not trusting me”), talk to a friend or even a therapist to get another viewpoint (e.g., “Parents have emotions too, and your kid deserves to know your authentic feelings. Apologizing and working on finding healthier ways to show how you feel would teach your kid a lot”). Trusted others can help you consider different viewpoints or give you new language to try out in making sense of the adventure that is parenting, while also staying gentle with yourself.
Further Resources
- PositivePsychology.org: How to Practice Self-Compassion: 8 Techniques and Tips
- Kristin Neff: Self-Compassion.org
—
About the Author
Taylor Thompson, Ph.D., serves as a distance learning developer and literature coder on the Services and Products Development team at PracticeWise. Learn more about Dr. Thompson on the PracticeWise team page.
