How to Handle Difficult Conversations: Tips for Effective Communication and Positive Impact

I’m writing this post on January 20^th, which is both Presidential Inauguration Day and Martin Luther King Jr. Day. The current social climate has become increasingly complex and emotionally charged, often leading to tense conversations among friends, family, and co-workers. Differing perspectives have strained relationships, with disagreements sometimes playing out publicly on social media. In such an environment, it can feel like we’ve lost touch with the ability to communicate effectively with one another. Academia, the community, and environment that fosters critical thinking, has long held the understanding that conversations among people with differing views and opinions cultivates learning and new ideas. There is even a formal system that structures opposing arguments – debate, which has been woven into our students’ education programs as well as the American political process. We don’t have to agree, but if we cannot communicate with one another in a way that promotes learning, acceptance, and respect, we are only contributing to the division. Challenges in communication extend far beyond political discussions into many aspects of life, including professional, family, and social relationships. So, how can we navigate challenging conversations?

Effective Communication Skills

Best sellers like “Fierce Conversations” and “Difficult Conversations” have been around for more than a decade and have influenced conversations in the work place. These mainstream books and the evidence-based psychological literature agree that there are some basic skills necessary for effective communication. For example, nonverbal skills include eye contact and facing the other person. Verbal skills include using a neutral tone of voice and appropriate speaking volume. Taking turns is important. The conversation will go more smoothly if each person feels they have had the opportunity to express their thoughts and feelings be heard.

We have all felt frustrated or intimidated at times, and we cannot completely control how a conversation plays out. But, it is our reaction or choice about how to resolve the situation that determines how the rest of the conversation goes. Here are some strategies that you can use to diffuse a tense situation by making known your thoughts, feelings, and intentions in a way that promotes respect.

• Focus on explaining your perspective
• Avoid bringing in emotions related to other topics or personal attacks
• Take a moment to respond
  • Ignore other person’s behavior
  • Use self-statements (e.g., I can handle this)
  • Use deep breathing
  • Rehearse in your mind what you might say
  • Slowly count to 5
  • Ask for more time and walk away for now
• Express your needs and intentions
  • Keep stating your position but don’t explain (i.e., situations in which emotions are strong)
  • Pair empathy for other person with your needs and suggest plan (e.g., “I know you are busy, but I really need your help with this. Could we schedule a time to work together?”)
  • Gradually escalate with consequences (e.g., “If you don’t stop yelling, I will walk away from you.” Walk away if yelling continues).
  • Use humor

Conversations become more challenging if emotions are strong, so it is recommended that you pause or delay conversations until all people involved have the opportunity to manage their emotions. If you are aware of an upcoming conversation that you expect to be difficult, consider practicing what you will say, how you will express your thoughts and feelings, and how you will respond. It is important to acknowledge that you may use these strategies and still be disappointed over the outcome. Relationships can undergo significant strain or even termination following a difficult conversation, in which case, reconciliation and forgiveness become options, but those are topics for another blog post.

Considering the Impact of Acts of Service/Kindness

All of this (e.g., political landscape, relationships, etc.) can seem overwhelming or frustrating, especially when you might feel like so much is outside of your control. Remember, you always have a choice over your response to any situation. As Martin Luther King Jr. said, “The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” What if our response to the conflict in our communities was to consider how we can make a difference?

Acts of service/kindness are generally much appreciated by those receiving them. Engaging in behaviors that support others actually changes your brain chemistry, too. When you help someone else, your brain releases chemicals, including serotonin (regulates mood), dopamine (sense of pleasure), and oxytocin (connection with others). This brain activity can boost your self-esteem and improve your mood. And, when you engage in an act of kindness, it can be contagious. Those around you may be motivated to do something for someone else, too. No matter who you are, what resources you have, or what your views are, you can make a positive impact in your community. However, it is important to mention the amount of effort it takes to engage in acts of kindness matters. If the service creates too much burden (e.g., financial, time, resource) for someone, it actually creates more stress. For more information on self-compassion, see our previous blog. Here are a few ideas for acts of kindness:

Acts of Service/Kindness

• Carry someone’s groceries
• Use sidewalk chalk to write positive messages
• Pay for the person behind you in line or the drive thru
• Pick up litter
• Make a meal for your neighbor
• Send a note of encouragement to a friend
• Serve at a homeless shelter
• Bake cookies for co-workers
• Donate clothing you don’t need or wear
• Deliver flowers to an assisted living facility

Additional Resources:

Scott S. (2011). Fierce conversations. The Berkley Publishing Group: New York, NY.

Stone D, Patton B, Heen S, & Fisher R. (2010). Difficult conversations: How to discuss what matters most. Penguin Books: New York, NY.

For more information on effective communication and assertiveness skills, explore our Communication Skills and Assertiveness Training Practice Guides, available through PracticeWise’s Practitioner Guides subscription. Online courses on these topics are also available on the PracticeWise On-Demand Learning site.

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About the Author

Janelle Wagner Ph.D., serves on the Professional Development Team as an Associate Trainer and Consultant for PracticeWise. Learn more about Dr. Wagner on the PracticeWise team page.