Amid the warming temperatures and the promise of midterm breaks, spring can be a tense time for college applicants. National data across all higher education institutions shows that, in Fall 2023, the number of applications from first-time applicants was close to 14 million with only 58.4% of applicants granted admission. The number of first-time applications has risen by at least 5% each year between 2020 and 2023 and this trend appears to be continuing in last year’s admissions cycle as first-time college applications using the CommonApp increased by 7% between 2022-23 and 2023-24. College admissions is a pressure-inducing process and, with increased scrutiny from curious friends and family and the surge of college reveal videos on social media, it can be difficult for teens and caregivers to manage both their public and private emotions in response to college decisions.
How Can Caregivers Help Support Their Teens Through This Process?
Caregivers often invest a significant amount of time and emotional energy in the college admissions process. As such, they may also have strong feelings about the result and find it difficult to navigate outcomes that are different than their or their teen’s expectations. It’s important for caregivers to separate their own feelings about the process from those of their teen and to focus on the teen’s experience. If decisions have not yet started to arrive, this is an ideal time to be proactive and talk through all possible outcomes so as to better predict your reactions and plan for next steps depending on the situation. If you have received most updates on admissions, here are a few different scenarios and strategies to help support your teen.
Handling Rejection and Deferrals
Some teens have been envisioning their college experience for many years and may have imagined their future at a specific institution or a small group of institutions. Others may not have had a specific school in mind but were determined to go to college at the same time as their peers. Not getting into an institution or to a certain institution can feel like a major loss and bring on intense feelings. They may begin to question their abilities and their identities, which have largely been defined by school up until this point. It is important for caregivers to balance giving teens space to process their feelings and supporting them to cope positively.
Listen to Their Needs
- First and foremost, listen to what your teen is communicating in terms of their needs. Resist the impulse to anticipate how they will feel or to jump into problem-solving. They may want to talk about it with you, may need some time to themselves, or they may want to share more with their friends who are going through a similar experience. Let them tell you what would be most helpful and pay attention to their nonverbal cues as well.
- It can also be helpful to get their input on how they would like to respond to other people’s inquiries rather than sharing information on their behalf.
Validate Their Experiences
- Validation involves accepting or understanding another person’s perspective even if you do not agree with it. Let your child know that you acknowledge their feelings and that their response is understandable in these circumstances. Sometimes teens may experience multiple emotions at once. They may be grateful that they have a spot at a university or college next year and also mourn that it will not look exactly as they planned it to be. They may be excited for a friend that they got into their dream school and be upset that they will not be able to join them. Allow your teen to spend time with their feelings rather than trying to move on immediately.
- It is also important to avoid invalidating or minimizing their concerns. Saying things like “At least you got into a college, other people aren’t so lucky” or “It’s not the end of the world” may seem helpful but they can make your child feel like their emotions are not acceptable and may make them feel worse.
Practice Acceptance
- Many teens see college decisions as a personal reflection on their character and have a difficult time attributing decisions to outside factors like fit and quotas. It will never be possible to determine exactly why they were rejected or deferred from a specific university. Dwelling on the “why” does not lead to greater clarity and it may be taking away from time they could be spending on things they enjoy. Similarly, focusing on things that they could have done differently can make them feel more ashamed and disappointed. Acceptance is a process of leaning into all of our internal experiences (i.e., thoughts, feelings, physical sensations) without attempting to change them. Acknowledge your teen’s natural desire to understand the rationale for college decisions and practice accepting that there are many situations with no definitive answers. The key is being able to continue living your life despite the uncertainty.
- Recognize that the college admissions process is largely outside of your and your teen’s control. There may be some agency over what teens submit in their applications but, once they are submitted, it is out of their hands. Encourage your teen to focus on what they can control and engage in activities to help them cope. It may help them to journal about their experiences, exercise, talk with friends and family, read their favorite books, learn a new skill, spend time on a familiar hobby – whatever it is, lean into the things they enjoy and that will absorb their attention. It is also important to discourage them from comparing themselves to others as this typically leads to feeling worse about the situation.
Reframe the Conversation
- Once your child has had some time to sit with their emotions and practice acceptance and coping, bring the conversation back to what initially excited them about going to college. Revisit what they were hoping to gain from the experience and consider how those things can be accomplished in the schools at which they were accepted. It may be possible that a college at which they were accepted is ultimately a better fit for their main interest (e.g., a nearby hospital may specialize in the branch of medicine they plan to pursue, proximity to a major art museum or concert hall) than their first choice. Have them research the resources they are most looking forward to and focus on the positive aspects of their selected college or university.
- If they were not accepted into any schools, spend some time helping them plan how they might use the time to build toward their goals and values. Our values represent the way we want to live and act in this world. What kinds of things are they most interested in pursuing? Perhaps they can take on an internship in a field they are passionate about to see if it is a good fit or perhaps they use the time to travel to learn about other cultures. With time and experience on a different path, they may come to see the process differently.
- Deferrals can be particularly frustrating for teens because it may not feel like there is a resolution yet. If your teen wants to remain on a waitlist, have a realistic conversation about the chances of getting into that school and start to identify some other schools at which they were accepted that may offer a similar experience.
Model Coping
- Teens pay attention to their caregivers’ reactions and they might also be worried they have disappointed you. It may be helpful to share your own stories of setbacks and how you reacted to them to normalize that these experiences happen to everyone and that it is possible to overcome them. Show them that you are able to be there to support them and that this one experience will not define their whole life.
Handling Acceptances
- If your teen has been accepted to their top choice, take some time to celebrate and share the good news with trusted family and friends. Have them extend their gratitude to those who helped them reach this goal such as teachers, coaches, and family friends.
- Encourage your teen to be mindful that other teens who are going through their own college decisions may take the news differently and be conscientious about how widely and through which channels the news is shared.
Many teens feel they have been working up to this moment their whole lives thus far and there is a lot to celebrate in getting through the process in general. It is a major achievement and, in the push to get to the next thing, that can be forgotten. Take some time to recognize the hard work that got them here. They will continue to face times of uncertainty and experience many joys and losses in their careers, relationships, and family life. Helping them learn how to navigate this process now will only set them up to better handle these situations in the future.
For more information on supportive strategies for navigating challenging transitions, explore our Practice Guides on Supportive Listening, Talent or Skill Building, Modeling, and Caregiver Coping—available through PracticeWise’s Practitioner Guides subscription. Online courses on these topics are also available through the PracticeWise On-Demand Learning site.
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About the Author
Jennifer Regan, Ph.D., serves in multiple roles on the Services and Products Development team for PracticeWise. Learn more about Dr. Regan on the PracticeWise team page.
