As summer wanes and we start looking forward to fall, we might all be reflecting on fond memories of vacations, pool days, and family time from these last few months. But in families with multiple kids, lots of quality time can sometimes mean a lot of opportunity for squabbles. Whether it’s arguing over a toy, the front seat, whose turn it is to do the dishes, or even the infamous “nothing fight,” frequent sibling conflict can leave some parents with a wistful feeling that school can’t start soon enough. In the spirit of having a more peaceful last few weeks of summer break, today I will review some effective ways to prevent and respond to sibling spats.
Responding to Fights in the Moment
It may go without saying, but the very first step in managing sibling conflict should always be making sure that no child’s physical or emotional safety is compromised. Some things are clearly out-of-bounds: physical attacks (e.g., hitting, scratching, choking, throwing of objects), physical deprivation (e.g., stealing food, medication), or emotional abuse (e.g., repeatedly threatening, spreading rumors). Beyond immediate harm, prolonged, intense sibling conflict can take a toll on the target and possibly put them at risk for school problems, substance use, anxiety, and/or depression down the road. So, if any safety threats are present, take swift and strict action to intervene and stabilize things. Once we’re sure the kiddos are safe, there are other conflict resolution paths to explore:
- Scaffold Conflict Resolution Skills: According to Psychology Today, “children develop many essential skills through playing and interacting with their siblings, including perspective-taking, understanding emotions, problem-solving, and negotiating.” With a tattle-tale scenario, as is often the case in parenting, it may not be a parent or caregiver’s job to “fix” the problem per se, but instead to teach the children how to fix the problem. For starters, you can teach them emotional regulation skills to calm down first. Without taking sides, you can teach them how to ask each other questions about the conflict (e.g., “Why didn’t you ask me before you wore my jacket?”) or say how they feel (e.g., “My feelings were hurt when you didn’t sit next to me at lunch.”). Finally, you can help them brainstorm solutions and praise them for any they settle on and agree to.
- Natural & Logical Consequences: Sometimes, a child who creates conflict may need to experience the natural outcomes of their actions. For instance, although we typically encourage sharing, if Child A often breaks Child B’s toys, it may be that Child B doesn’t want to share their toys anymore. That would be an important lesson for Child A. Another example: If Teenager A frequently reveals embarrassing things about Teenager B in group settings, Teenager B might not invite Teenager A to outings with their friends anymore. Sometimes, a punishment for negative behavior is built-in and can play out naturally.
- Selective Ignoring: One of the deep magical secrets of child psychology and parenting therapy is the term, selective ignoring. Attention—any kind of attention—is a reward. Any time a child gains your attention in a positive or negative way, they win, in a sense. If they have your attention, it means what they are doing is important. So, what is the opposite of attention? Ignoring. If a behavior is ignored, whether they realize it or not, a youth will write that behavior off as unimportant or ineffective. They will stop doing it because it doesn’t get results. So, next time your kids come a-tattling over something inconsequential, give the argument little notice, and they may move on once they realize they can’t engage you in it.
Preventing Conflict in the First Place
Setting up your household and your day in such a way that minimizes conflict and maximizes peace may mean you’d rarely be in need of the advice in the previous section. The proverb, “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” is the name of the game here. Here are some tips:
- Consistency: If a child knows what to expect, there is less room for argument. Having set routines for the day, known consequences for rule-breaking, and no evidence of favoritism helps a child choose their behavior wisely. If a child knows that he takes turns with his brother sitting in the front seat of the car every other day, there isn’t much opportunity for a daily dust-up. If the rule is no one gets a cell phone until they turn 14—and that is applied to all the kids—they may not like it, but they can learn to trust a system where all are treated fairly.
- Model Good Conflict Resolution: Children have very big eyes; in other words, they are watching everything you say and do to learn how to act. If you would like them to learn how to “fight fair,” make sure you are doing so yourself any opportunity you can. Model skills like sharing, compromising, apologizing, and taking others’ perspectives you don’t agree with other adults. When they come to you with an argument, practice staying calm in addressing their concerns, so you can show that conflict can be resolved with composure. The more skills they learn, the more quickly and smoothly they may resolve disagreements independently.
- Promoting Positive Relationships: According to Psychology Today, to minimize sibling competition and rivalry, treat each of your children as valuable individuals. Try to give them equal attention and avoid comparing them to each other. This will also show them how to treat and respect each other. On the flip-side of the ignoring tip above, be sure to give attention and praise when siblings are nice to each other. On a basic level, the American Psychological Association recommends making sure your kids have quality time to spend together. On a deeper level, they suggest actively coaching your children on positive communication and social skills and encouraging them to form close friendships. Positive friendships skills will likely transfer to positive sibling dynamics and vice versa.
- Professional Help: You may have already tried all of the above and everything else under the sun. When in doubt, consult a professional. If your children’s conflicts are resulting in aggression toward each other, concern for long-term emotional harm, or causing you undue parenting stress, seek out a child or family therapist for support and new ideas. Research shows that psychological intervention can improve your children’s social skills, their relationships with each other, parenting skills, and overall quality of life for the family. We’re here to help!
PracticeWise Connect
PracticeWise offers a full library of Practice Guides to help providers, caregivers, and families apply evidence-informed strategies like communication skills, problem solving, modeling, and emotional regulation. These tools can support positive sibling interactions and promote healthy family dynamics. Explore our resources at www.practicewise.com.
Further Information
- Monitor on Psychology: Improving Sibling Relationships
- Siblings Fighting? Here’s How To End It
- When Siblings Collide | Psychology Today
- When Siblings Won’t Stop Fighting – Child Mind Institute
About the Author
Taylor Thompson, Ph.D., serves as a distance learning developer and literature coder on the Services and Products Development team at PracticeWise. Dr. Thompson is a licensed psychologist and has provided psychological services to youth, young adults, and families for over 20 years. She completed her PhD in Counseling Psychology and School Psychology at Florida State University. She specializes in assessing and treating ADHD, learning disorders, anxiety, depression, autism spectrum disorders, behavioral disorders, and relational concerns. Dr. Thompson is currently an Assistant Clinical Professor at Florida State University College of Medicine. Learn more about Dr. Thompson on the PracticeWise team page.
